A few years ago, while I was looking at my spending plan and worried about both the amount of money I needed to spend on holiday gifts, as well as the time it would take, I started to wonder. Why do we keep doing our gift exchange the same way – even when it causes us to stress out and sometimes break the bank?

I come from a large family, and we have had the same gift giving ritual for decades. Each person takes a turn opening a gift while everyone pays attention. The gift may cost only ten dollars, but everyone watches. It was a way to spend time with each other, and that was very important to my family (especially my mom).

As I thought about the ritual, I started to wonder what was most important about it. Was it that we all received a lot of gifts, or that we all spent a lot of money on each other, or was it more about spending time together as a family? I took a gamble that it was the last option, and decided to start a conversation.

I was nervous about emailing my sister and my mom – would they forgive me for poking this sacred cow? Would they understand? I knew they might need a lot of time to think about a change like this, so I brought it up in mid-November.

When I emailed about our Thanksgiving plans, I mentioned that I’d love to talk about shifting how we exchanged holiday gifts while we were all together on Thanksgiving Day. I was relieved when my sister sent me back an immediate, enthusiastic reply. My mother chimed in: “Well, if we’re going to give fewer gifts, you guys have to promise you’ll play some games on Christmas because I want to make sure we spend enough time together.”

Success!

Now, I needed to come up with some suggestions that would be fun, allow my family to still have lots of face-time, and wouldn’t break the bank. Here are some ideas I came up with that you and your family can ponder as well:

Gift limit. This is the obvious one, and many adults welcome it. What if there was a predetermined limit, so you knew you were supposed to bring one gift (not two or three) for each person?

Drawing names is an oldie but goodie. On Thanksgiving everyone puts their name in a hat and then draws a name out. It is very important to set a limit on how much everyone can spend.

Give a family gift instead of individual gifts. It depends on how many people are at your gathering, but your extended family may welcome this idea.

Decide to only do gifts for children.

Edible gifts. Decide to only gift things that are edible or drinkable and set a price limit. Adults love this one.

Play White Elephant. This is a very fun and silly game that doubles as face-time with everyone. When I was growing up, this is what we played at the extended gatherings that had 30+ people. (Yes, I come from a large Catholic family.) If you have never played, the rules are simple: everyone brings one wrapped gift with no name on it – the more ridiculous the better (re-gifted or “found” treasures are appreciated). Then you draw numbers and the game begins. This game involves a lot of shouting, running, trading, and laughing. And spilled drinks.

Dollar Store stockings. These days, I have noticed that “stocking gifts” have gotten a little out of hand. So one idea is to say that stockings can only be filled with items from the Dollar Store. (Okay, this one doesn’t fit my list perfectly, but the whole insanely-expensive-gift-in-the-stocking thing drives me crazy.)

Well, I am guessing you know how this one ends, but I will go ahead and finish my story. My family and I talked about it on Thanksgiving, and we came up with a new tradition. We have done it for a few years now, and everyone really loves it. We can all spend a little less, and enjoy the season (and each other) a little more.

The holidays don’t have to be a huge “production” or be so expensive that you are paying them off until it is time to go shopping again. This is a time to be with friends, family, and (perhaps most importantly) yourself. Now that’s real holiday magic.

BONUS: If you want to email your family right now to get the brainstorm going, but don’t know where to start, here is a sample email:

Hello loved ones! 

Can we reconsider how we do holiday gifts? I know we are all busy, and the costs keep mounting. This year, I would love it if we could change things up a bit. I thought through some ideas that could save us all time and money (while maximizing our time together) and here is what I came up with [insert one to three ideas here]. 

What do you think? Let’s discuss at Thanksgiving.

P.S.  My colleague Karen McCall wrote an amazing post on how to have a joyous and debt-free holiday. She covers not only how to do a holiday spending plan, but also helps you examine your feelings and beliefs about the season to see how they impact your behavior. Check it out: The 10-Step Plan to Have a Joyous and Debt-Free Holiday Season (financialrecovery.com)

Downtime during the holidays or after Christmas? I just put up my resources and store page. 

Want more help transforming your relationship to money? Check out all the eBooks, audios, and more robust products Mikelann has created. Are you ready to break free of the “money fog” and step into earning what you are worth? Are you are ready to get in touch with your emotions so you never feel out of control around money again? Are you ready to love your financial life? Let Mikelann help you get there. Free items are at the top of the page.

So you made it to the finish line. You are officially divorced and ready to start your new life. Welcome to your new chapter! If you are like many people, you may feel as if you’ve been put through the emotional wringer. It’s likely been a long haul that left you feeling raw and vulnerable. Besides your feelings about your now ex-partner and concerns over your children, you may be grappling with navigating your new financial life all by yourself.

The good news is you are sole master/mistress of this financial domain. One great reframe is that this is a chance to get a fresh start and create a healthy relationship to money — a relationship that allows you to create a new lifestyle in balance with your resources. And, no one can interfere or tell you what you can or can’t do.

So, with an eye to getting a fresh start, let’s talk about debt. We all know that many Americans are struggling with debt. Regardless of how debt and credit was handled in your marriage, now is the time to create a life where debt does not plague you.

1. Consider Using Your Assets to Start Your New Life Debt-Free

Debts as well as assets are divided in divorce. So, even though you are divorced, you may be carrying debt left over from your marriage and assigned to you in the divorce agreement. Ideally, debt is paid off during a divorce so both parties can start fresh, but if you exited your marriage with debt, this may be one time when it makes sense to use your assets to pay it off.

Let me explain. I met my husband in graduate school – a private graduate school (cha-ching!). When we married, we combined our student loan debt. After ten years, this debt still wasn’t paid off. In our divorce, it was divided up equally so I exited the marriage with a big financial burden.

In my new life, I had a lot to balance: my expenses were suddenly all my own and I was trying to create a new life for my son and I. Frankly, I could not afford this debt. So, after talking with my accountant and financial planner, I liquidated some of my retirement assets to pay it off. This allowed me to start my new life debt-free. Using retirement assets was a painful choice, but it is not one I have ever regretted and it could be the right move for you depending on your circumstances.

By the way, you are liable for any debt that has your name on it, even if this debt was assigned to your spouse in the divorce. That means, if he/she doesn’t pay, you are responsible and it could impact your credit. (You can monitor your free credit report card from Credit.com to see how any divorce debts many be affecting your credit score.) These potential consequences are another reason why it can be nice to minimize the burden of debt if you can.

2. Start a ‘Periodic Expenses’ Savings Account

Periodic expenses are simply those large, non-monthly expenses that everyone has — holiday gifts, car repair, kids’ summer camps, dental work, yearly yard cleanup, property taxes, airplane tickets. Sound familiar? Just because you are now single doesn’t mean life stops happening. And these expenses often end up on credit cards.

If you’re newly single, you could experience a lot of stress the first time one of these expenses hits. In order to avoid creating new credit card debt in your bright, shiny, new life, open up a savings account and deem it “periodic expense savings.” I recommend that you get in the habit of transferring in about 5% of your net income each month. When these expenses come up and you need to use a credit card to cover the total, transfer the money back to your standard checking account and pay the card off. (The money in your Periodic Expenses Savings Account is literally meant to be spent.) This simple move could be the best thing you ever do to avoid new debt.

3. Avoid Using Credit Cards to Buy Luxury Items

When people use credit cards for discretionary spending, they tend to spend more. Why? Because the pleasure of buying things – eating out or buying new clothes – become totally “divorced” (sorry) from the pain of paying for them. I can bask in the pleasure of new, blue suede shoes and not really feel the cost until I go to pay off my credit card in a couple of weeks. Because of this, we are prone to spending a lot more.

After a recent divorce, we can be even more prone to spending to make ourselves feel better. Getting divorced is hard. And we often spend to prove to ourselves that we can maintain our same standard of living, even though in reality we may have less money. To help avoid this common trap, do not use credit cards for discretionary spending like clothes, hobby supplies or eating out. You can use a debit card so you really “feel” the purchases. Voila! Way less likely to incur credit card debt.

4. Limit the Number of Cards You Have 

Remember, it’s time to start fresh. When you were married, you may have had multiple accounts. It’s common. But the more cards you have, the more of a money fog you may be in. Too many accounts make it almost impossible to see what you are spending and many people simply zone out. Keep it simple. I suggest using one primary checking account and one primary credit card.

There is so much to balance in your new life. But, honestly, once the shock is over, it can be exciting to forge a new path. Avoiding debt is critical to creating a life that you love, so now is the time to make a fresh financial start.

Want more help transforming your relationship to money? Check out all the eBooks, audios, and more robust products Mikelann has created. Are you ready to break free of the “money fog” and step into earning what you are worth? Are you are ready to get in touch with your emotions so you never feel out of control around money again? Are you ready to love your financial life? Let Mikelann help you get there. Free items are at the top of the page.

We all get hit with unexpected expenses now and then. Sometimes for aggravating things like car repairs, and other times for celebrations – like bridal or baby showers. Recently, when a friend of mine was getting married I found myself wandering through the Love Pantry, looking for something a bit…well, you know…for her shower. Let’s say I found something that crosses the Kama Sutra with a deck of cards…oh, and edible body frosting…yum.

Yes, I’m sure some of you are thinking “TMI” here, but I promise there is a lesson to be learned. I was sitting down the day after the shower working on my money. It was only two weeks into the month, but goodness, the expenses were adding up quickly. At first I was frustrated. In addition to spending more than I originally planned on the bridal shower gifts (which I wouldn’t have changed – they were a big hit!) I realized I had to pay for alterations on my bridesmaid dress. (Yeah, yeah, I’m sure I’ll wear it again one of these days…) Oh—and my car’s rear window defrost stopped working. Lovely.

So what did I do? I looked for other places to cut from my planned expenditures that month. I decided to wait on ordering new blinds for my kitchen and offered to cook dinner for a friend instead of going out. I immediately felt relieved and went on about my day. Here’s the key—because I was only half way through the month, there were plenty of shifts I could make if I wanted to.

In my practice, I call this “being in real time with your money”. Many people look at their money after it’s all spent using credit card statements or online banking. Sometimes they’ll look at spending reports in their financial software. While this can be helpful, sometimes it’s depressing. (“Oh, look how much I spent…wow.”) And after all, the month is over and the money is, well, gone.

Being in real time means knowing where your money is going and having a flexible plan to address changing needs. If you get frustrated with money, it may be hard for you to believe this, but I always know how much I’m going to have at the end of the month (and teach my clients to do the same). How? My spending plan is a living document. I simply update it and adjust it as I need to. (By the way, I hate static budgets. In real life, you have to roll with the punches and be able to shift things around as YOU want to.)

Take the Time

Practicing being in real time with your money does take time. I spend about five minutes a day simply tracking what is happening with a deeper look once a week.

I often hear that it is hard to find the time for this task. Personally, I find it strange that some people work 40 to 60 hours a week for money and then say they don’t have time to manage it. Are you guilty of this?

Trust me, I’m busy too. Yet I can find five minutes a day to pay attention to my money. After all, what’s five minutes compared to my eight-hour work day? And this practice saves me tons of time in many other ways- I’m never running around juggling my finances or spending time being stressed out, for one.

Managing money does not mean you will be perfect with all your money choices. We’re all doing the best we can, we are emotional beings and we simply can’t predict everything. But knowing you have a way of finding balance and knowing you have enough, is a beautiful thing indeed. That way, when you find the perfect Kama Sutra bridal shower gift, you can buy it with confidence (financially at least).

Want more help transforming your relationship to money? Check out all the eBooks, audios, and more robust products Mikelann has created. Are you ready to break free of the “money fog” and step into earning what you are worth? Are you are ready to get in touch with your emotions so you never feel out of control around money again? Are you ready to love your financial life? Let Mikelann help you get there. Free items are at the top of the page.

1.    Set a timer. After you have shopped for 90 minutes, you tend to go into a zone- and you spend more mindlessly. You zone out. Malls encourage this by hiding the passage of time. They don’t post clocks or have a lot of windows. This way you don’t know how much time has passed. So simply set a timer on your phone for 90 minutes. When it goes off, sit down and have a cup of tea. You don’t have to go home. Just take five minutes to relax and assess where you are, what you’ve purchased and what else you want to do.

2.    When you go into a store that is new to you, you spend more money. Why? Because you get a hit of dopamine- that feel good neurochemical. Dopamine is released when things are new, novel or exciting. It feels good! And a new store is very stimulating and exciting. So try this: tell yourself you can buy what you want, but you’ll purchase it when you come back a second time. Leave the store and go somewhere else (perhaps stores you’ve been to before) and then return. The second time it won’t feel quite as exciting. It’s not as new or stimulating. If you still purchase something from there, it will be from a more grounded place. It won’t feel so “speedy”.

3.    Don’t carry items around with you in a store. When you are debating purchasing something and you carry an item around, it starts to feel like yours. When you finally decide to return it to its shelf or rack, your brain feels pain- it feels like it is losing something that was yours and you are less likely to put it back. You’ll rationalize why you should have it. If you don’t carry it around with you, it doesn’t feel so hard to put back. Worried that size of jeans will get taken? Go hide it somewhere on a different rack while you think about it. Come on, you’ve never done that?!

Want more help transforming your relationship to money? Check out all the eBooks, audios, and more robust products Mikelann has created. Are you ready to break free of the “money fog” and step into earning what you are worth? Are you are ready to get in touch with your emotions so you never feel out of control around money again? Are you ready to love your financial life? Let Mikelann help you get there. Free items are at the top of the page.