Do you ever feel triggered? Do you ever find yourself spending money you didn’t intend, but you do it anyways? Sometimes I feel almost defiant when I’m in this mode. “I know I didn’t plan this. But screw it! I’m buying this!” Usually, it is because I’m triggered.

Over the years, I’ve gotten in touch with my own spending triggers. Knowing them has helped me avoid being triggered in the first place and better able to analyze my own overspending when it does happen. Thinking about triggers also helps us not beat ourselves up so bad. Everyone overspends sometimes. But if you can then think about WHY you spent the way you did, you’re less likely to fall into that trap again. Yes, you can actually use overspending as a personal growth experience!

Here are four kinds of triggers:

Emotional State Trigger: Many of us overspend if we are emotionally triggered. It can be similar with eating. If we just had an awful fight with our husband, we may turn to food to make us feel better or we may spend money to feel better. Sometimes we spend when we are depressed. We feel like buying something to lift our spirits. Sometimes we spend when we are lonely. What about you? In what emotional state are you most likely to overspend? If you name it, you can come up with some alternatives before that feeling hits you. Besides ice cream and the mall, what else would make you feel better?

Situational Trigger: Sometimes it doesn’t matter what emotional state we’re in. We know that when we go shopping with our friend Ellen, we tend to overspend. Or we may notice that whenever we are kid-free, we head to the mall to relax. Some situations just lend themselves to overspending. For me, when I had an entire day to myself with no plans, I could easily overspend. Once I identified this, I was able to stop spending simply because I had no plans! (This was also likely related to my divorce. I suddenly had some weekends without my son and I felt a bit “adrift”. This just goes to show you that many situational triggers have an emotional component to them as well.)

Location Trigger: Some places trigger me, no matter how I’m feeling. Certain places just seem designed to suck money out of my wallet. For me, it is the center isle of Costco, where all those “you never know what will be there/ great values” lurk. I’ve had countless clients report the same thing- the dangers of that alluring isle. I also get triggered at Bed, Bath and Beyond. I walk in there and I just want to spend money. If you are trying to be careful with your spending, it may be best to stay away from certain locations, unless you’ve got a solid plan for how you want to spend your money.

Bio Trigger: People tend to spend more when they are hungry. So if you are hungry, don’t go shopping! Eat first, plain and simple. I’m not saying that you don’t want to go out to lunch when you go out shopping. But if you hit the mall or your errands on an empty stomach, you tend to overspend without thinking through your plan. You get a bit “fuzzy” and power through your shopping, throwing money at things instead of stopping to take care of yourself first.

So what about you? What your triggers? For each of these four areas, can you come up with a personal example? The more you think about this, the less likely you are to blindly overspend.

We all have our triggers. Name yours.

That faceless, nameless monster wrapping its numbing tentacles around you may be none other than: the Money Fog Monster. Run! Scream! Hide! But it has a hold on you….

What exactly is this Money Fog Monster? Well it doesn’t really like to be pinned down (or it would lose some power), but let’s throw out some questions to shine a quick light on it. If you answer no, the money fog has got you. I should know. I used to be in its grip!

* Do you know how much you spend eating out? On groceries? How much have you spent on clothes this year? What about your hobbies? What do you spend on gardening, books and other fun things? What have you been spending on your car?
* If you have debt, do you know all your debt balances (and what that money was used for?)
* Do you know your savings balances and do you know what your net worth is?

Those irritating questions point to the monster. And if you feel its tentacles curling up your leg, constricting your ability to see clearly (or breathe sometimes!) you are not alone.

Now, I’ll write other posts about escaping from this Money Fog Monster, but I want to look at the question: why do we stay in a fog? It likely sounds obvious that it would FEEL better to be clear. We often have a friend who doesn’t seem to live with the Money Fog Monster, whether she makes more or less then us, and we secretly envy her. So why do we live with the fog?  Three reasons:

1. We don’t realize we’re in a fog. Maybe we know we’re a little foggy, but it’s not that bad! Sometimes it takes an event to wake us up. Our debt deepens and we are seriously perplexed. It seems like we must be making enough money, so why the heck is the debt going up? Or where the heck is all the money??? It’s a big version of going to the ATM machine to take out 60 dollars and then a week later your wallet is empty and you just can’t remember where it went so fast. Often times, I find that people don’t realize just how deep the fog is until they start to come out. (By the way, because the fog can feel like it thickens when you try to get out of it, it’s one more reason why we back away, give up and stay in the fog. It can feel like the fog has a mind of its own. ) The Money Fog Monster would rather you stay foggy. Wait—is that a part of US that would rather stay foggy?

2. We don’t know how to exit. Let’s say we do know we’re in a fog. Lovely. So how the heck do we get out? I had a client once who said it felt like she had fallen down a well and couldn’t figure out how to climb out, and was terrified. When we started working together, she said she had this image of me standing at the top of the well, throwing her down a knotted rope and coaching her out. I’ve never forgotten that image. The truth is that we often simply don’t have the skills. No one taught us. Did your parents teach you how to plan where you wanted to spend your money? And then analyze what was happening? And then figure out creative ways to get your needs met so you didn’t feel completely deprived if you didn’t have enough? I hope you had those parents, but I’ve heard countless stories of people who learned nothing beyond a few financial platitudes. “Don’t go into debt. Here’s a credit card”, “You better live within your means”. “Don’t talk about money”. Seriously folks- learning about money is not something in the water supply. You won’t understand money if you were not taught about money. That is not your fault!

3. We are afraid of what we’ll see. Let’s hit this last one on the head. So often we are afraid of what we’ll see that we don’t want to escape the fog. It’s the whole “ignorance is bliss”. Or—“if I don’t know, maybe everything is okay.” Maybe. Money is a very emotional subject.  It is part of our very survival, so no wonder it is a scary subject. If we escape the money fog monster, we are often afraid of what awaits us on the other side—will we have to spend less? Is it possible we can’t have everything we want—or need?! Will we have to make hard choices? What about income? Will we see that we don’t make enough? How will this whole financial clarity thing affect our relationships? Our career direction? Gulp. No wonder we would rather live with that blasted monster!

I find that people write about money issues all time like it is not an emotional subject. “Here are the rules. Just do this.” But the truth is that there are reasons we stay in the fog, and no one seems to talk about that. So let’s talk.

Why do you stay in the fog? Which of these reasons spoke to you? For me, it really was all three. I didn’t realize how foggy I was until I started to climb out. And I really didn’t know how to climb out. But I found a great mentor. And in helping me climb out, she helped me face my fears of why I didn’t really want to climb out.  And now I coach other people out of the fog.

In the end, clarity is a far more beautiful thing. I can go on and on about how happy I am about being financially clear. But I vow never to forget all the reasons why it was so hard to face that damn money fog monster.

Why do we do what we do when it comes to money? The answer: We behave according to what we believe, or rather—we react without thinking based on what we unconsciously believe.

So how do you figure out what you believe? There are many ways. David Krueger in his new book, The Secret Language of Money, talks about getting in touch with your “money story”, so I wanted to share his suggestions. It’s important to understand that we use stories to make sense of our world. It is part of being human—though we are not always aware of the stories we tell ourselves. We use stories to simplify complex circumstances and to help us order our personal universe. And if something doesn’t fit our internal story, we either ignore it or change the circumstances to fit it….

So the question is, what is your money story? What is the story you tell yourself about money? Krueger suggests this:

1. Write down three significant “money memories” (These could be positive or negative incidences/ memories)
2. Why is each experience significant to you? What are the emotions around each one?
3. What is the story you tell yourself to make sense of each incidence? What did this experience “prove” to you? Krueger suggests that you imagine telling someone your experience and then end the telling with, “The moral of this story is…”

Don’t assume these are about negative experiences. Your significant money experiences may be how excited you were at landing your first job, or stealing something and getting caught, a broken financial promise in your family, hearing your parents fight about money, or a saying your family had about money.

If you recall an incident related to money, good or bad, you likely still remember it because it was highly emotional. We remember and store things if they are emotionally “charged”. Otherwise, we’re likely to forget. So what are the feelings surrounding each story?

What story does each experience prove? You told yourself a story about each thing, good or bad.

Emily remembered that when she was 15, her mom sent her to the store to buy some groceries. But apparently she bought the wrong things. When she got home, her mom berated her and told her, “I can’t trust you to go to the store! That was good money you squandered!”

Who knows if this is what Emily’s mom actually said. But that is how Emily remembers it. It was a significant memory to her because she felt so bad- she felt she let her mom down, she was embarrassed, she felt she failed and that she wasn’t very smart. Wow. In fact, the incident was so painful that instead of recalling it over and over, she just made up a story to make sense of it all. (That is what we do!) The story she told herself was, “I’m not very smart with money. I can’t be trusted with money.”

As an adult, she lives out this simplified story in many ways. She continues to “make the story true” since it is her story. As you can imagine, she does things that she doesn’t feel are very smart financially. Then she beats herself up.

But once she became aware of her story, she could see how it played out for her. Then she chose to consciously tell herself a new story.

So what about you? What is your money story? What is the story about money you’ve been telling yourself? How long have you been telling yourself this story?

Are you tired of this story and ready to write a new one?

I did it! I finally finished my new website about my money coaching/ Financial Recovery Coaching and I want to share it with you—www.seattlemoneycoach.com . (Yes, my clients are all over the country, but my actual office is in Seattle.) The Women’s Earning Institute has had a site for many years (and still does) but I’ve realized that the information on my coaching practice was very buried. That, and I think some people thought I stopped taking private clients because I do so much work on underearning issues. But underearning is just one facet of money coaching.

Actually, the number one reason people call me is that they are either tired of not feeling in control of their money (business or personal) or they just wish they felt—more in control of their money! And they want to escape the money fog, end the debt cycle, build meaningful savings and deal with emotional money issues. Oh yes—and earn more. So if you’re curious, I recorded a four minute video where I talk about my coaching practice. One of my gifts is helping people develop—and integrate into their lives–  their own P.F.P.- Personal Financial Practice. And self-employed people desperately need this too. (How many of us talk about developing our prayer or meditation practice?) It’s life-changing work. So check it out.  www.seattlemoneycoach.com (By the way, I do help train new Financial Recovery Coaches, so contact me directly for information on that.)

As a money coach, I ask new clients about their relationship to food.

What? Why am I asking that? Because food issues and money issues are VERY related. They are the two most common things we turn to, to make ourselves feel better.

Think of it this way– when we are depressed, sad or angry, many of us will eat to make ourselves feel better or we’ll spend money to feel better. They are also how we sooth ourselves when we feel anxiety.

How about you? Have you ever had a bad fight with a friend or a boss and then found yourself out shopping? Or perhaps indulging in some yummy ice-cream?

We also turn to spending or eating when faced with fear of deprivation. When people start a weight loss program, for example, it is common for their spending to spiral out of control. They are afraid of being deprived in one area of their life so they turn to another area to indulge and prove to themselves that they are okay.

I’ve had many clients sheepishly confess to me that before coming to their first appointment with me they did some major shopping. Why? They were afraid that when they really looked at their money, they’d see they wouldn’t have enough. Now I know the truth is that when you truly look and learn how to take control of your finances, you learn how to truly take care of yourself. There is enough. But the initial fear is that of deprivation.

Food and money swing in the same orbit. We use food and money to reward ourselves. We use food and money to punish ourselves. (Sometimes we don’t spend enough money on ourselves and we don’t eat enough. We also deprive ourselves by underearning.)

Food and money are also related because they are both socially sanctioned. What I mean is this—you may have a major spending or eating issue, but no one calls you on it. However, if you have a cocaine issue, eventually (hopefully) someone will call for an intervention. Now you may say that food and money are both “legal substances”, so we don’t call anyone on their addiction to them. True. But so is alcohol.

I find that yet another reason food and money are so related is that there is no hard core “bottom line” for either. You can’t say to yourself, “I just won’t eat.” or “I just won’t spend money.” You have to eat and you have to spend. So what is the right amount? This where it gets very personal. You need to discover, for you, what your ‘bottom line behaviors” are around money. And they may be different than someone else’s.

For me, my bottom line financial behaviors are to track where I spend my money. If I don’t do this, I go into a money fog. And it’s so easy to overspend if I’m in a fog. I mean, hey—maybe everything’s okay, right?

Like it or not, food and money can be very related, though many of us tend to have one we turn to more than the other. So consider this all food for thought. What about you? What you’re feeling super emotional, do you turn more to spending or eating? What are you aware of?

Let’s say the hardest thing first: if you raise your fees, it’s possible you may lose some clients. And I hear the fear over losing anyone. However, if you raise your fees by ten percent or less, it is likely that you’ll lose very little business. (And it’s also likely that if someone leaves over a small fee hike, they were likely going to leave soon anyways.) Still, it’s possible.

Yes, you could lose some clients if you raise your fees – even if you raise them by a small amount. AND this could be an appropriate and good thing. You’ll make more money (and have more time!) working with fewer clients who pay you a higher fee than if you work with everyone who pays you a lower fee. Think of it this way: You must make room for higher-paying clients by letting go of some lower-paying clients at the bottom.

I once presented a rate-setting seminar to a group of therapists, and the possibility of losing clients due to a rate hike was the hardest part for them. Some of them had worked with the same clients for many years without ever raising their fees. They felt that they owed it to their clients to not raise their rates. But this is simply unreasonable. You must raise your fees by about 5% each year simply to keep pace with inflation. Where does it say that we should put our client’s needs in front of our needs and our family’s needs? Where is it written that we should sacrifice ourselves on behalf of our clients? Low fee clients exact a price paid for by our increasing deprivation.

Your lower paying clients will decide on their own if they can afford you, but no professional, including therapists and other healing professionals, should promise her clients that she will never raise her rates. Remember, if nothing else, you have to raise your rates to keep from falling behind.

Our relationships with our clients are very powerful. We may sometimes become very wrapped up and enmeshed with them. We can honor and care deeply for them, but if you don’t take care of yourself financially, the quality of your work will suffer. It makes little sense to deprive yourself in order to help others. Low fees contribute to the syndrome of the wounded healer.

Of course raising fees is difficult. It feels very emotional. But we owe it to our clients to raise our rates fairly and regularly. If you are doing great work and your clients are getting results, they will rarely leave you over a 10 percent rate hike. But sometimes it happens. Time to breathe deeply.

Confessions of a real money coach Part one

I was wearing my beautiful coat, dropping my son off at school on the way to my office. He turns to me and says, “Wow mom, you look so rich in that coat. Really rich! Too bad you’re driving around in such a clunker. Bye mom!”

And away he goes. Ah children. They have such a lovely but strange way of speaking the truth, don’t they?

Yes, my car was awful. In fact, it had come to the point where I hated my car. It was very old and I admit I’ve stopped properly maintaining it. Embarrassing but true! My dad would be aghast if he knew how often I checked that oil… (Sorry dad, I know you’re reading this.) And I had even stopped emptying the clutter out of it. (Clutter is a sign of many things…) I was silently protesting the car by simply not caring about it.

Now cars aren’t everything, especially to women. We generally don’t need the car to shore up our self-esteem, or project our image out to the world. But… I felt out of alignment. I was the director of the Women’s Earning Institute, a money coach, and my damn radio had stopped working.

Replacing my car has simply been on the back burner. I’ve been very busy for several reasons. (Running a business, single parenting, buying and rehabbing a house and getting that divorce does take time….) Maybe that is why when the urge to buy a new car hit me, it hit with full force, a full blown hurricane of NEED-

I need a brand new, bright shiny car and I need it right now! And by god I deserve it! I work hard, and this is absurd. What kind of message is this sending? I hate my car…..I’m sick of this piece of shit. I don’t enjoy driving around in it, and the truth is that I do like driving and I enjoy cars. I’m sick of feeling so deprived…. And this is getting embarrassing!

The wail was almost deafening, especially after I dropped my son off at school that day.
Ah, but I have training in this type of thing- emotionally fueled spending that can really bite you in the butt. So I calmed down and asked myself: what is really important here? What is the need beneath this need? Do I really NEED a brand new car?

Well, the real need was a better car- a more reliable car that I felt safe in. And the want was a car that I enjoyed driving. I do love driving. (I would never drive an automatic because that’s no fun! So there’s a clue.)

Okay, so the next question I would ask a client is: Is there a more creative way to meet this need that won’t cause you undue financial stress, or won’t derail you from your financial goals?

God, I hate those irritating questions. I mean really. Was my inner money coach asking me what I could afford? Boring!

But I also noticed that while I had started to shop the car ads and was starting to regularly cruise www.autotrader.com, and had even gotten myself up to Lynnwood Honda on a brave day to “test drive” a new and a used car, I wasn’t really about to pull the trigger.

Why? Because I hadn’t completed my personal 2010 annual spending plan. My life is so different now than even a year ago. I have a new mortgage, my son has started a martial arts program with a monthly fee, and the dentist wants us to see the orthodontist. (Damn! That is my “wusband’s” fault- my son inherited his father’s lower teeth. Mine are perfect!)

Oh, and I have other wants next year too. It wouldn’t be very fun to have a brand new car and then not be able to afford any fun three day weekends cruising around the peninsula…

Sigh.

So last weekend I completed my annual spending plan to look at how much I want and need to spend in 2010 relative to what I am going to make. (That’s a whole different post. I’m still writing that one.)

And I came back to those irritating questions: Is there a more creative way to meet this need for a new car that doesn’t cause me undue stress or won’t derail me from my goals?
Yes. The answer was to buy a decent used car. Hmmm. But I want a new car!

Could I buy a brand new car? Yes. But at too high a cost. If this was a year in the future, I may feel different. But I am in the middle of a divorce and am still settling into my new house. I can’t change those facts. It will get easier. But why would I stress myself out by adding a high monthly payment to my life?

Ideally, I would pay cash for a new car. But that would mean emptying out my safety net. And my savings has already taken a huge hit with rehabbing my house. And if I have no safety net- my cash fund designed to catch me if I don’t bring in my paycheck (I am self employed, remember) or I’m hit with an expense so huge that my regular monthly savings habit can’t cover it– I won’t be able to sleep at night! Gulp!

In a year, maybe I could buy a brand new car for cash. But by then my car may start leaving parts behind it on the road. (Being a Toyota, it will never truly die. It will just continue its slow process of decay.)

So I wrestled my annual spending plan to the ground during a long boring football game (my beloved Seahawks suck this year) and came up with how much cash I could put down from my savings and what monthly payment I would be willing to make. I looked at the cost over the whole year and came to peace with a number.

Then I marched off to my bank to take out a small auto loan. After much debate with my nice banker Brad (they weren’t super thrilled with my debt to income ratio because my mortgage is brand new, but my credit score is very high and I don’t carry credit card debt) they gave me a $10,000 car loan. And of course I could pay it off early with no penalty. And since I do have some cash, I may not use all of the loan. (My inner money coach watched this all very carefully, noting how the monthly payment would fit into my monthly spending plan.)

So now it was time to find a car and negotiate the price…

And again- gulp!

I do like cars, but I don’t really know jack about the inside of them. Hmmm. The prospect of cruising car lots on my own was daunting, to say the least.

(Curious what happened? Watch for part two. It’s good!)

I get a lot of questions about my work as a Financial Recovery counselor/ Money Coach. People wonder—how did I get into this field? It’s a good question. My answer- I was lucky enough to meet author Karen McCall. Today, Karen is my greatest money mentor. And together, we train new money coaches.

Money coaches help heal the pain that so many people experience around their finances- business and personal. The issues we work on range from underearning to emotional spending, and from conquering the debt cycle to addressing inheritance issues. Wow!

So today, in addition to my private practice, I sit on the faculty of the Financial Recovery Institute, where I help train new money coaches.  And the Financial Recovery Institute is founded and run by Karen McCall- a true pioneer in financial counseling.

If you are curious about a career as a money coach, then consider attending the free teleseminar on Tuesday January 19th at 4-5 p.m. Pacific Time, where Karen and I will explain the Financial Recovery training process and this unique opportunity. Our next training begins soon — Thursday, February 4 — and the remaining openings are limited.  (You can read about the training program at www.financialrecovery.com.) We will go into greater detail about our three-phase training and the possibilities this training could open for you.

Karen and I will share our insights about what it is like to work full-time in this emerging and in-demand profession.  So please enroll by registering at this link. (It’s just the Institute’s shopping cart and you won’t input any payment info.) That way you will receive both a registration confirmation and a separate e-mail with our telebridge number. Or email me with questions. (mikelann@womenearning.com)

Here is a common question I get from women who are wrestling with what they charge: “How can I justify my price?” But let me ask you a question- who are you justifying your price to? The truth is that there is only one person you have to justify your price to.

Yourself.

Coming up with a price is a combination of many factors such as what similar service providers charge and what the market will bear etc. And you don’t have to charge what everyone else charges.

You can also charge more than others if you can check off one or more of the following. Provided, that is, that YOU believe in your own prices.

• You’ve got a lot of experience.
• You’ve got a great relevant educational background- certifications etc.
• You provide a specialized service.
• You get results for your clients.
• You are primarily driven by referrals

I share this list merely to help you “justify” your price to yourself. It’s to make you feel better about your fee. Because you don’t need every bullet point. You only need ONE. If you have a lot of experience, then rest easy about your price. If you’ve invested in your training, then you should charge good money and feel good about it. If you are brand new, but you get great results for your clients, then I also want you to feel great about what you charge.

Now I realize that you are not perfect, and it’s likely that your service is not perfect either. Getting caught up in the pursuit of perfectionism is a huge hang nail for good girl service providers. You’ll simply never attain perfection. And because we are not perfect, we fret about our fees. But tell me this:

Do you think that the results your clients gain are worth more than the cost of your service?

If the answer is yes, then rest easy.

So when you tell prospects what you charge and the type of results they may gain from your work, this is not about justifying your price. You are helping them make an educated decision. You are looking for a win-win. They will decide whatever they decide. You can’t control that. (Sorry.) If you feel good about your price, and stand firm, then people will self-select.

Ultimately, this is about convincing yourself. You are the only one you have to justify your price too. People will either take it or leave it. Not everyone will be able to afford you. And not everyone is a good client for you. (And some may not be a good fit for your service.) You simply want enough people to pay your fee, but you don’t need everyone to pay your fee.

The only person you have to justify your price to is yourself. If you feel good about your fee, then this will come across.

Try this: grab a piece of paper and list five benefits of working with you. How are people’s lives or businesses better as a result of your work or product? Then ask yourself, are these benefits worth more then what you charge? If the answer is yes, rest easy. You’ve justified your price—to yourself.

Well, the year is coming to a close. I’m beginning to think more and more about next year. (Anyone else ready to let go of this year?)  I am working on my 2010 personal annual spending plan. How much money am I planning on spending in 2010? Jeepers- there are a lot of things I need and want next year.  So before I started plugging numbers into my annual plan, I got a big cup of coffee and got out a blank sheet of paper.

I want you to get a blank sheet of paper too. Title it NEEDS AND WANTS

On the left side of this sheet I want you to write “2010 NEEDS” at the top. On the right side I want you to write “2010 WANTS”. Then I want you to dive in and brainstorm along three lines:

• What is all the STUFF you need or want? (material items)
• What are all the SERVICES you need or want?
• What are all the EXPERIENCES you need or want?

Part of this exercise is simply writing down everything you need or want. Think about your home. Do you need or want new furniture? What would it take for you to love your home more? Think about your self care. How can you improve your self care?

Put down how much each item would cost. Guess where you have to.

The other part of this exercise is deciding what is a “need” and what is a “want”. This is different for all of us, but the exercise of actually having to write something down on one side or the other is powerful.

For example, on my list I wrote down “secretary desk” on my wants side. But after thinking about it, I realized I needed it. In my new house I have no where to put all the damn paper that comes in. (I’m still getting settled.) I’ve had to stash the mail in the linen closet when company comes over! So I’ve got to get some systems in place quick. The bakers rack is more of a want. I want laser hair removal. I want to get a tree removed from my front yard. On second thought, given its leaning nature, maybe that is a need.

I’ve gone back to my needs and wants list three different times now. Each time I refine it and add to it. Sometimes I move a need to a want or vice versa. I dream about things. I want, for example, another bedroom on my house. That may not happen in 2010, but it doesn’t change the fact that I want it!

Take some time and really play with this. This exercise is deceptively simple. But when you open up to what you truly need and want, and look at how much it costs, it is one more connection to looking at the money we earn. I’ve had many clients use this exercise as an incentive to raise their fees or launch a new income stream.  It also helps you prioritize how you really want to spend your money.

Dream. And share with us—what did YOU put on your needs or wants list?